words unspoken

“I need you.”

“You have me.”

“No. I don’t. This is no way to live. Waking up with a broken heart every morning. Waking up to see the other side of the bed as empty as my heart. Facing everyday alone without you is terrible.”

April 4, 2011
Come back, Bree. 

Sometimes I wonder different things. 

I wonder what it’s like where you are, away from the drugs and alcohol and the shit people of the earth. 
Where you are is otherworldly..
I bet they love you just as much as I did. I bet they smile at your cute smile, and at the thought of those pretty glances you take. What about at the way you stare off into space? When your eyes became all glassy and your mouth opened just a little, and you could stay that way for hours. Like your mind was a haven, which I’m sure it was. 
I bet you have them all wrapped around your finger.
I miss you everyday and every night. Your picture used to be on my wall.. until I cried for hours just staring at it.

Now it’s somewhere in my room, to be found at a later date, and to be put back up when all this is healed. 

i can’t forgive you for taking yourself from me.

 I hope it’s better than here, wherever you are. 

April 11, 2011
a year and four months today. 

I want to lose myself in the forest.. so I can be completely and utterly alone. And then I will feel what it is like. 

And I will decide if I enjoy it. Odds are, I won’t. In fact, the odds are that I’ll miss him too much to even be gone for an hour.
Regardless, I want to be lost. I don’t want to be found. 
 

April 26, 2011
everyday is a brand new one.

Maybe I’ll get a tattoo soon.
I want to get married, though I’m not excited about the wedding in itself.

I want our life together to begin as soon as possible.

April might have become my favourite month. So many storms, so many tornadoes. 

I still want to become lost..

May 4, 2011 

I wish it would storm more. I want to hear the rain again.

I see no “May Flowers” so bring the rain back.

May 20, 2011
the end is coming…?

Speculation that the end of the world is tomorrow… If so, why the hell am I still in Texas, away from you?
Why am I not on a train, making my way to your adorable face once again?
Why am I asking questions that will get me nowhere?

I miss you more and more each day. 

June 25, 2011

In 3 days, Matty’s coming to see me. Then TN on he 30th. And my party on the 8th, and the I’m moving on the 9th. 

So excited. I can’t wait. 

February 25, 2012

Everything is so different.

“When she sleeps, she’s cradles herself, as if she’s holding herself together. As if any slight movement could destroy her.”

May 11, 2012
 

Today would have been 2 years and 5 months. 
It’s been 3 months since I’ve been without you.
And although it hurt at first, I’m healing,

and I’m still alive. 

I couldn’t be more appreciative. 

June 23, 2012.

It hurts so much sometimes. It passes. But when it stays, it lingers. I’ve become one with the pain, though, in such a way that I may begin to deal with it, and move on from it. 

I know you think this is what we both needed, but I think you’re wrong. I imagine..hope, dream…that when we see each other once more, you may fall into what we were and come to the realization that we were never meant to stray. 

I know you’re happier without me, though it takes everything within me to admit it. 

One day at a time, that’s how you handle it. 

September 29, 2012

Who am I anymore? I’m not really sure. 
It’s been almost 8 months. I am able to breathe without you here. I am able to feel happiness again.

But, I still fall into the same patterns.
Will it ever end, or will my life continue to be a wide array of randomly striking memories and broken down nights?

I could never ask for more.